Fanning (or
rekindling) the flame...Finding time
for romance is crucial to a
marriage or committed relationship, but it shouldn't
be limited
to Valentine's Day
Couples need to
celebrate their relationship, showing children, family and friends
that their relationship as a couple is the most important one in
their life.
"The mistake most
couples or one person makes is they're so much in love with their
partner that they assume the relationship will last forever," said
Robert Billingham, an associate professor in Indiana University
Bloomington's Department of Applied Health Science.
"They don't think
it is something they have to work on." Human beings are not built
from a biological standpoint for long-term romance, said Billingham,
whose research interests include interpersonal relationships,
parent/child interactions and the long-term effect of divorce on
children.
Biologically, the
body chemistry that makes our hearts flutter is replaced after
several years with body chemistry geared more toward attachment, he
said. Couples, therefore, need to work at keeping the romance alive.
Billingham said
research indicates people who divorce experience poorer health and a
diminished quality of life, so longevity can be worth the effort --
with the right partner. Billingham offers the following tips:
*Date, find ways
to spend time together to enjoy each other. "Individuals change. The
relationship changes," Billingham said. "This core behavior (regular
dating, emphasizing the relationship) says, 'No matter what happens,
we find time for ourselves, find time to celebrate the
relationship."
*Make sure your
children see the love. Parents spend 18 to 20 years preparing
children to leave home. Parenting requires sacrifices to properly
care for children, Billingham said.
But investments in
the relationship as a couple can benefit parents and kids alike, and
make the "empty nest" seem not quite so empty.
"If the kids don't
see an emphasis on the relationship, what we model is that the
marriage isn't as important as work, sports or other activities.
When they do see the emphasis, what we're modeling is that the
marriage, the committed relationship is important. That's crucial
because we need to teach our children that our relationships are
more important than things like work, movies and sports," Billingham
said.
"We do a very poor
job of this in our society."
*It's never too late to rekindle love and romance in a stale
relationship, Billingham said, but it becomes much more difficult if
one of the partners has fallen in love with someone else and is
experiencing a new round of attraction "hormones." If both people in
the couple say, "I want to get this back on track," there's hope.
*Sex can make life
and the relationship more pleasant. Couples who are healthy and who
can sustain an active sex life tend to live longer and be happier,
Billingham said.
