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Military farewells: White-gloved salutes, Taps, Flag-folding ceremonies begin healing

Newswise — On any given week, in almost every village, town, city and state, a veteran's family is grieving the loss of a loved one. More than 57,000 United States military veterans die every month according to U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs. That number includes all veterans who served in World War II, the Korean Conflict, the Vietnam, Iraq and Afghanistan Wars. Approximately, 1,000 WW II veterans pass away each day.

It is a family’s choice how to honor military service and celebrate the veteran's life. Upon a family’s request, the law requires that every eligible veteran receive a folding and presenting of the burial flag, along with the sounding of taps.

Funeral home directors request military honors on behalf of the veteran’s family through the specific service branch of the Armed Forces or local veterans groups.

Most often families of veterans and military personnel choose poignant moments of reflection that truly represent service in the Army, Air Force, Navy, Marine Corp or Coast Guard. According to grief expert Doug Manning, grieving families deserve to receive the military honors and much more.

"In fact," says Manning, "the significance of the military elements stays with the family long after the service.

"While the military honors are meaningful and important to the funeral, these honors should be accompanied with memories to celebrate the whole of the veteran's life. Nor should the fact that the person served honorably and bravely be the only theme covered in the eulogy.

 

"No matter how well they served, the death must still be grieved,” Manning explained, "and the sharing of life experiences and the significance of the veteran's life in addition to the military honors helps to begin the process of healing."

"Provide the ceremonies certainly, but don’t forget that the broken hearts on the front row of the chapel want and need to be reminded of the significance of the life of their deceased loved one," explained Manning, founder of InSight Institute based in Oklahoma City.

"The Institute has trained more than 1,200 individuals nationwide -- laypersons and funeral directors – to be "funeral celebrants" who assist grieving families – especially for those who have no religious or denominational preference -- plan memorial services that celebrate the life lived.

Vietnam veteran Ken Kuratko, owner of Grief Journey Consultants in Riverside, Illinois, said his most meaningful funeral was for one of the Marines who raised the original flag on Iwo Jima.

"He had been a long-time friend of my dad and I grew up with his children," remembers Kuratko. "The most important thing, in my opinion, is to tell their story. It’s a proud one and, sadly, it may not have been told before.”

“Like most veterans who’ve ‘been there,’ they often don’t want to talk about it. The funeral provides an opportunity for their story to be told.

"I’m often amazed when the children will say things like: ‘I never really knew what my dad did in the war, he never talked about it,’ or ‘I’ve seen that medal before around the house, but I never knew what the Bronze Star or Purple Heart meant.’

:My connection as a Vietnam veteran is that silent brotherhood of which we become a part when we take the oath upon induction. I take it as a sacred honor to be a witness to the presentation of the flag to the family and see the execution of the final salute,” explained Kuratko.

New Jersey Funeral Director and Celebrant Ruthann Disotell feels privileged to participate in military services. “My father taught me to cherish the flag, a symbol of our country’s freedoms and those who fought to preserve them. I have yet to present a flag without feeling intense pride,” Disotell explained.

“My most momentous service was for someone who had returned home from Iraq due to illness. He had been plagued with guilt and concern over leaving his men behind to fight without him. His men finished their tour and returned stateside the day after he lost his battle with cancer.

"They were all present and accounted for at his funeral. The scene at the cemetery is one I will not soon forget, as each soldier approached their casket and saluted with tears streaming. The tender affection they had for their sergeant touched every heart present.”

Curtis Benjamin, Celebrant and Grief Recovery Specialist from Green Bay, Wisconsin, conducted a special military service. In fact, the service was for his father.

“The military personnel present did not feel comfortable in folding the flag as they had all been in combat with my dad, who was 69.”

“Most of them were in their 70s. My uncle and I folded the flag as my father’s casket was being lowered into the vault at his grave. This was something that had never been done in that area before and I received many positive remarks about it being done that way,” Benjamin said.

“At another service, it was rather unusual but also neat, as I witnessed a dove release while the bugler was playing Taps.”

Marcella Fox, Celebrant and Ceremony Officiate serving Oregon’s Willamette Valley, has been creating and conducting ceremonies since the late 1980s,“A family who asked for a non-religious ceremony made it clear that their father’s patriotism was as important to him as his love of learning and the deep love he felt for his family.

"The three-part ceremony I created, which was opened and closed by Honor Guards, was appreciated by his family,” Fox said.

“I also created a ‘Celebration of Life’," explained Fox, "for the family of a man who had served a stint in World War II and then gone on to a full career in another branch of the military.

"He had been proud of his service to America, plus his patriotism was reflected in the pride he felt for gaining membership in the Sons of the American Revolution (SAR). We had an Honor Guard from his SAR chapter present the colors and lead the Pledge of Allegiance.

"They were dressed in full regalia, complete with tri-corner hats and bone powder horns, so it really ‘set the stage.’ At the end, the military Honor Guard closed with the flag folding and presentation.”

Fox notes that other elements such as music and personal speakers highlight military services.

“To reflect one man’s military service, we opened with the song ‘Anchors Aweigh,’ which was bittersweet to listen to. It’s a rollicking song, but it helped to focus on this man’s love of country,” Fox explained.

“One of his many grandchildren, a high-ranking officer in the U.S. Army, had flown out to attend the ceremony, and the family agreed that he should speak. He shared emails his grandfather had sent him while he was serving in Iraq. It was a heartfelt speech that brought tears to many of the attendees.”