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Including children in Funeral Services

Newswise — After the loss of a grandparent, parent or sibling, children are often sheltered from experiencing the funeral. But, there is no set rule that children need to be left at home to grieve alone or in their own way.

In-Sight Institute Certified Funeral Celebrants are offering new options to include children in personalized funeral services that focus on a decedent’s life stories. Uplifting life celebrations help both adults and children begin the healing process, but it is always a family’s decision on how children are involved.

Funeral Celebrants are uniquely trained to be sensitive to the needs of each family and skilled in finding ways to reach out and involve every member in a way that will be special and appropriate.

Children Get Lost in the Grieving Process

Doug Manning, founder of the In-Sight Institute, Oklahoma City, and leading author on grief and trainer of Celebrants, reminds families that children often get lost in the grieving process.

“Children know something is wrong, but they don’t know what’s wrong -- they’re left out of the funeral, if it’s not explained, or they’re shuffled off to someone else to take care of them during the funeral. Children tend to blame themselves.

‘They may think, ‘this happened because I wet the bed. This happened because I wished that person was dead.’ If we leave a funeral to the imagination it comes back to haunt us because a child’s imagination is wild,” Manning explains,

“Even though it may sound crude to say, ‘Let the children see the body,’ I had a case where a little boy lost a friend. His best friend had two brain surgeries. He saw the body and was so relieved because he thought the brain surgeries meant the doctors cut her head off.

"You leave it to the imagination and that’s what happens. Sounds tough, but it’s a whole lot healthier to include children in the process, talk to them, explain to them what’s happening, and allow them to attend the funeral service, instead of letting them jump to their own confusions.”

Ruthann Disotell, Celebrant and Funeral Director in New Jersey, has conducted many funeral services that included children.

“With more than 30 years in funeral service, I have found that children handle death much better than adults.

"They have no pre-conceived stigmas. That's something we teach them when we ‘shelter them from pain.’ Children are included in all the other family gatherings. Why not a funeral? Not including a child tells them that there is something wrong, something unnatural about death, funerals, grieving.

"Not all pain is bad. Sometimes it is refining, teaches us the value of life and compassion. These are not bad attributes for a child to possess,” Disotell says.

“Instead, we should give children the choice of whether or not to be there for the sad times. Encourage, not force.

"Participating in a life celebration can be affirming to a child's heritage, to know who they came from and what terrific attributes they share.”

Terri Shanks, a Funeral Celebrant in Sussex, England, has witnessed parents who shelter their children from the reality of death.

“When a young dad was killed in a motorbike accident, he was a builder and his wife didn't want the kids to know that HE was in the coffin. She told them it was full of tools that daddy needed in Heaven as God had a leaking roof which is why it rained so much,” Shanks remembers.

“During the service the children each placed more tools on the top of the coffin for daddy and they seemed to really 'enjoy' the whole service... I am just concerned how they will feel in the future when they realize the truth.”

In reaching for the truth, Shanks has offered families a way to involve the children.

“I do try to involve children as much as possible, especially at the family meeting where they can share their memories -- which I ensure I will refer to in the service.

"Some want to participate in the service with a reading, spoken tribute, a musical tribute, decorating the coffin with flowers, candle lighting or simply displaying some drawings they have done,” says Shanks.

“It is really important that when I work with families where children are involved I make sure the kids fully understand in advance what is going to happen.”

Funeral Director and Celebrant Bill Joyner of the Bright Funeral Home in Wake Forest, North Carolina, was brought into a situation as a mother was dying.

“I was called one day to meet with the husband and sister of a 42-year-old mother who was dying of cancer. They had one little girl, age seven.

"The mother had put up a gallant fight. However, the time was near and Hospice had been called in to assist. In our meeting and the ones that followed, I asked how the little girl was doing. They shared the stories about how she and her mother would curl up in a large recliner and just enjoy each other’s company and do ‘girly’ things.

"The mother was spending, as much time as possible with her little girl as she knew that time was limited. They also told me about ‘Chester’ the raccoon that was afraid to go to school. His mother told him of a secret, the ‘kissing hand,’ where she would kiss his hand and every time he was lonely he could just place his hand on his cheek and he would feel his mother’s kiss.

"I learned that the mother and daughter had a ‘kissing jar’ where they would cut out small hearts and the mother would kiss them and place them in the jar. That way when she was not there, her daughter could take one of the ‘kisses’ out,” Joyner explains.

“The mother died and in the service the little girl, as suggested, had written a letter to her mom to say goodbye.

"I read the letter for her as she stood bravely next to me. Then, starting with the little girl, each person in attendance took a rose petal and kissed it and placed them in a small velvet pouch to be placed in th casket with her mom. This was everyone's way of saying goodbye and sending kisses.”

Disotell has had many funerals where children were allowed to make their own choices.

“One of my first experiences with children was in the back of a church, where the casket had been opened after a Rosary service for a viewing. I watched as a small girl of about four or five came up to the casket alone.

"As I looked around for her parents, she tippy-toed to peek in the casket. Then, it happened. She turned to me and a beaming smile stretched across her face as she proclaimed, 'My grandma is an ANGEL!'” Disotell remembers.

“I led another celebration of life for a young father whose life was cut short by a motorcycle accident. I only met the seven-year-old just prior to the service. I spoke to him about the service we were going to have and asked if there was something he wanted everybody to know about his dad. 'Just that he was a cool dad,' he replied.

"So we had a service full of heart and humor and talked about this special connection between father and son. Because he was a fan of country music, we played Toby Keith's 'Watching You,’ a song about a boy who mimics everything his dad does. The boy picked up his head as if to say, 'Now, everyone knows about me and Dad,’” explained Disotell.

After the service, the boy approached Disotell and asked if he could see his father.

“The casket had been open for the family and then closed before receiving friends. The funeral director cleared the room and closed the doors for a private time for the wife and son.

"There had been injury to his head, which had been repaired, but the cosmetic work was extensive, so I drew his eye to something more natural. 'Look at his hand. My, his hand looks so strong. Did he always have strong hands?' The boy nodded with pride. 'You can touch his hand if you want to. It will feel cool, but it's okay, if you'd like to hold his hand.' He reached in and squeezed his dad's hand. Then, he turned to his mom, 'Mom, touch his hand. Go on, touch it. It's okay.' Amazing: a child counseling his mother,” Disotell says, moved by the experience.

“I asked him if he would like to help 'tuck in' his dad and the boy pulled the blanket up over his dad. 'Should I cover his face?' 'If you want to.' And he placed the blanket over his dad's face. 'Would you like to help close the casket or should I do that after you go?' He stepped forward and I handed him the lid as I brought it down. He latched it and stepped back looking like he had a rite of passage into manhood.”